There isn't a day that I don't think about my dad. If there is one thing I wish for, that would have been for my kids to have met my dad. Daddy Lito, as we call him, not just by me and my two brothers- but also our cousins that knew him and loved him - my first love, my hero.
If there was a poster child for "daddy's girl"- it would be my face on posters and ads. Father's day always makes me sentimental. It brings back bitter-sweet memories of my dad and my childhood. Bitter-sweet because I know he is happy where he is right now, but it still doesn't fill the empty space in my heart since he passed. I remember writing about how the brightness of my world has dimmed somewhat when we lost our dad. He was just a great, great man - an awesome husband and father.
I got into the medical field because of him. One of my fondest memories of my childhood is tagging along with him when he did his daily rounds at the hospital. I always believed that he was one, if not the most loved pediatrician in our city. Not just because he gave excellent care- but because he truly loved what he did, and he really loved kids.
One of the most important things that I learned from him was to believe in my self. To strive hard in what I did and not aim for second best. He was not only generous with his time - he was generous with praise and affection. We were never not hugged enough nor kissed enough. I remember those nights when we slept on the floor in their room. My dad and mom in their bed, my brothers and I, on the floor. My dad would reach out to one of us nearest him - either a hand, a foot - he'd hold it in his hand and say, " just for a little while, so we can keep the connection." He was funny like that. He would always hold your hand when you walked together. Touched your head or your shoulder when he walked past you. And I swore when I was a little girl, I truly believed that when I was sick, just being around him - I was miraculously better.
He had the corniest jokes. He loved his oldies music, his western novels. He loved us -and he never was afraid to show how much. When I went away for college, I thought I was the only one who was having a hard time. I cried every night the first week because I missed being at home, plus I got sick with the flu. I was so surprised that the first weekend away from home - my parents came to visit right away. My mom said dad had been so sad and wanted to come see me. And as soon as I seen him from a far - just like in the movies, I could not wait - so I ran as fast as I could, hugged him and bawled like a baby. Then, somehow, the world was right again.
I miss him everyday because I see parts of him in Riley, and in Nikky. Riley's smartness and his affectionate ways. Nikky's lips and facial expressions.
I remember one of our serious conversations. He told me not to look for a husband that is rich. Instead look for somebody who is hardworking - that way "you will never starve." "Material possesions you lose, strength of character, you don't". And daddy, I listened well :) Thank you.
He wasn't perfect, my dad. He might have expected a lot , maybe because he gave so much. He worked hard to try and give us the best. He was our number one fan, protector, teacher. He wasn't able to give us the world. But it was pretty (dang) close.
So Happy Father's Day daddy.. I love and miss you so much ....
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Riley
He had my heart the very first time he opened his eyes and looked at mine. My firstborn, my buddy, and my shadow these past few years. When I found out I was pregnant with our second child- I was elated, yet a part of me was sad and anxious. Can I love another child as much as I love my first one? Will he think that I would love him less when his sibling is born? I remember being pregnant and waking up in the middle of the night just feeling almost melancholic. I remember waking up and going to his room, getting in his bed and just snuggling with him until I fell back to sleep.
My pregnancy was hard. I was on modified bedrest and was unable to work for 5 months. It was hard not to feel guilty. All the things I did with him in school, our weekend dates and just all the mundane things that we have done together- I couldn't do as often as I wanted to. And then 9 days before I delivered, I was admitted in the hospital, and was put on strict bedrest until my scheduled c-section. I went home 3 days after delivery and I was a mess. The pain from the surgery and the demands of the newborn baby was almost too much to handle. A day after being home, Riley got sick. I remember how it broke my heart when my mom woke me up at 2 in the morning because Riley was crying and was burning up with a fever- and he wanted his momma. It was the hardest and longest week of my life. I felt awful keeping him away from the baby while he was sick. One time he was told not to come in my bedroom, where the baby was, and he poked his head in the door and said, "can I just see her for a little bit and say good night mom?" So I had him come in the room and sit in the recliner across the bed. When it was time to go, he just looked so sad and asked me, " can I just sleep in this recliner mom? I promise not to cough or sneeze I just want to be with both of you and dad". It took everything to say no. I can't even remember how I made it through that week. I'd feed the baby every 2 hrs, put her to bed then check on Riley and spend as much time I could with him. When it was time to feed the baby, I'd hop in the shower real quick , so as not to get the baby sick , feed and change the baby then check on Riley again. Don't get me wrong- I had Roy helping and my mom was here for 2 weeks. But I just felt like it was a test, to see if I could take care of my 2 kids the same way- equal time and love given. I claim now that it was hormone-induced stubborness and craziness. I just hated the thought that he was feeling terrible and I wasn't there- I've ALWAYS been there. Roy used to get so frustrated and tell me, " Riley is smart, he will understand". Looking back, I think I misjudged him, my Riley. He is only eight but he has proven more than once that despite our imperfections as parents, we have raised such a sensitive, unselfish and loving little boy. There was one day he came home from school so excited. He earned enough tickets in school to get a prize and he brought home a hair clip for his baby sister.
Sure, he has his share of naughtiness. And he does get in trouble once in a while - but he does not lie. Just yesterday I was playing around with him and asked, " Riley, do you think mom is beatiful?" Without pause he tells me, "to me you are mommy". ( Translate as you please .. lol). Not ending it there, I further added, "but I gained so much weight and look really chubby". And he tells, " I like you the way you are, mom". He is very sensitive to other people's feelings. This little guy who can read my mood just by looking at my body language and listening to the tone of my voice.
Everyday, I thank God for him. And continuously pray for help in guiding us raise him to be smart, caring, God-fearing and HAPPY.
All my worries were for nothing because this little boy has turned into such an awesome big brother and son. Everyday he makes me proud, not because he is perfect. But simply because he is my son. Sometimes he gets frustrated and mad, gets in trouble and makes us mad. But he loves with his whole heart. Everyday I see it, when he tries hard to do what we tell him to. You can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice when he takes care of his sister- especially in those moments when he thinks I am not watching.
My pregnancy was hard. I was on modified bedrest and was unable to work for 5 months. It was hard not to feel guilty. All the things I did with him in school, our weekend dates and just all the mundane things that we have done together- I couldn't do as often as I wanted to. And then 9 days before I delivered, I was admitted in the hospital, and was put on strict bedrest until my scheduled c-section. I went home 3 days after delivery and I was a mess. The pain from the surgery and the demands of the newborn baby was almost too much to handle. A day after being home, Riley got sick. I remember how it broke my heart when my mom woke me up at 2 in the morning because Riley was crying and was burning up with a fever- and he wanted his momma. It was the hardest and longest week of my life. I felt awful keeping him away from the baby while he was sick. One time he was told not to come in my bedroom, where the baby was, and he poked his head in the door and said, "can I just see her for a little bit and say good night mom?" So I had him come in the room and sit in the recliner across the bed. When it was time to go, he just looked so sad and asked me, " can I just sleep in this recliner mom? I promise not to cough or sneeze I just want to be with both of you and dad". It took everything to say no. I can't even remember how I made it through that week. I'd feed the baby every 2 hrs, put her to bed then check on Riley and spend as much time I could with him. When it was time to feed the baby, I'd hop in the shower real quick , so as not to get the baby sick , feed and change the baby then check on Riley again. Don't get me wrong- I had Roy helping and my mom was here for 2 weeks. But I just felt like it was a test, to see if I could take care of my 2 kids the same way- equal time and love given. I claim now that it was hormone-induced stubborness and craziness. I just hated the thought that he was feeling terrible and I wasn't there- I've ALWAYS been there. Roy used to get so frustrated and tell me, " Riley is smart, he will understand". Looking back, I think I misjudged him, my Riley. He is only eight but he has proven more than once that despite our imperfections as parents, we have raised such a sensitive, unselfish and loving little boy. There was one day he came home from school so excited. He earned enough tickets in school to get a prize and he brought home a hair clip for his baby sister.
Sure, he has his share of naughtiness. And he does get in trouble once in a while - but he does not lie. Just yesterday I was playing around with him and asked, " Riley, do you think mom is beatiful?" Without pause he tells me, "to me you are mommy". ( Translate as you please .. lol). Not ending it there, I further added, "but I gained so much weight and look really chubby". And he tells, " I like you the way you are, mom". He is very sensitive to other people's feelings. This little guy who can read my mood just by looking at my body language and listening to the tone of my voice.
Everyday, I thank God for him. And continuously pray for help in guiding us raise him to be smart, caring, God-fearing and HAPPY.
All my worries were for nothing because this little boy has turned into such an awesome big brother and son. Everyday he makes me proud, not because he is perfect. But simply because he is my son. Sometimes he gets frustrated and mad, gets in trouble and makes us mad. But he loves with his whole heart. Everyday I see it, when he tries hard to do what we tell him to. You can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice when he takes care of his sister- especially in those moments when he thinks I am not watching.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
I am back!!!
Oh my gosh! Has it really been 4 years since I last posted anything? Funny how time flies especially when you are not paying attention. I even tried to open another account, but I don't know about this "getting older" business, I seem to not understand the simple instructions my brother has given me. So imagine my surprise and delight to reactivate this old one. Yay!
So what has happened in the last 4 years.. let's see... I seem to not really remember a whole lot because one thing has eclipsed everything else :) To those who do not know yet, we had another baby!!! Yes, we have been so blessed this year. So I wanted to restart my blogging with this wonderful, wonderful gift.
After years of fertility treatments and surgeries, we finally have in our arms, the sweetest little miracle that God has given us.
I wanted to share how that journey started, because it has proven to me yet, for the nth time, how truly wonderful God is. And that He does work in the most miraculous, sometimes funniest ways- in HIS time.
Riley, our firstborn was a product of fertility treatments also. But that was easy and fast, albeit the pregnancy and the delivery was complicated. So after he turned one, people expected me to just get pregnant without any further difficulties. But after trying for 2 years, we found ourselves undergoing the same, if not more, fertility tests and surgeries. It was a hard battle, not just physically but emotionally. The various lab tests, emotional changes with the hormones, the not-so-spontaneous-sex, 2 surgeries and the induced menopause- the past 5 years have been hard :(
After my last surgery in October of 2012, my doctor finally said, "I think this is it. Start trying in about 2-3 months". As scheduled, we were back on the fertility pills, but then I started having issues with my blood sugar and my blood pressure. I remember talking with Roy one night, I was so depressed and frustrated, when we got yet another negative pregnancy test, Roy told me " we shouldn't be selfish, God already gave us one perfect child - we are already very lucky. We should just be thankful of what we have ". That made me realize that it was all true. We were already blessed with one perfect child (that's the mom in me talking), what more do we need. So at that point, we decided to stop trying, if we have another child- that would be amazing, if not , I was finally able to say that it was fine. I was fine.
So I had another doctor's appointment scheduled, this time for my blood pressure and diabetes. I knew I was going to be started on medications. So I asked a friend that worked in the lab to do a pregnancy test. I remember telling her- " it would be a long shot, but you never know. " Imagine my confusion, when I saw the 2 blue lines. I have not seen two blue lines in 7 + years. So I wasn't even sure of what I was looking at. I called the same friend from the lab and asked her to look at the result for me, and tell me what it meant. Me, who has been an OB nurse for 15 years. She looked at it and started laughing, "you are crazy, you're pregnant girl!". I could not stop crying. So I took a picture of the test strip and sent it to Roy, who replied , "what does that mean?" So I texted back, " we're pregnant". And he replied, "are you sure that is your urine"... hahaha...
So here we are, a year and 3 months later... proud parents of the most adorable, sweetest little girl. She has brought tremendous joy to our family. The pregnancy was even harder. I will blog about it next time. The delivery was a breeze. And now, we have this little bundle of energy. It is a lot different to have another baby after 8 years. And most definitely harder to bounce back when you are 36. But all these, I would not trade for anything.
So what has happened in the last 4 years.. let's see... I seem to not really remember a whole lot because one thing has eclipsed everything else :) To those who do not know yet, we had another baby!!! Yes, we have been so blessed this year. So I wanted to restart my blogging with this wonderful, wonderful gift.
After years of fertility treatments and surgeries, we finally have in our arms, the sweetest little miracle that God has given us.
I wanted to share how that journey started, because it has proven to me yet, for the nth time, how truly wonderful God is. And that He does work in the most miraculous, sometimes funniest ways- in HIS time.
Riley, our firstborn was a product of fertility treatments also. But that was easy and fast, albeit the pregnancy and the delivery was complicated. So after he turned one, people expected me to just get pregnant without any further difficulties. But after trying for 2 years, we found ourselves undergoing the same, if not more, fertility tests and surgeries. It was a hard battle, not just physically but emotionally. The various lab tests, emotional changes with the hormones, the not-so-spontaneous-sex, 2 surgeries and the induced menopause- the past 5 years have been hard :(
After my last surgery in October of 2012, my doctor finally said, "I think this is it. Start trying in about 2-3 months". As scheduled, we were back on the fertility pills, but then I started having issues with my blood sugar and my blood pressure. I remember talking with Roy one night, I was so depressed and frustrated, when we got yet another negative pregnancy test, Roy told me " we shouldn't be selfish, God already gave us one perfect child - we are already very lucky. We should just be thankful of what we have ". That made me realize that it was all true. We were already blessed with one perfect child (that's the mom in me talking), what more do we need. So at that point, we decided to stop trying, if we have another child- that would be amazing, if not , I was finally able to say that it was fine. I was fine.
So I had another doctor's appointment scheduled, this time for my blood pressure and diabetes. I knew I was going to be started on medications. So I asked a friend that worked in the lab to do a pregnancy test. I remember telling her- " it would be a long shot, but you never know. " Imagine my confusion, when I saw the 2 blue lines. I have not seen two blue lines in 7 + years. So I wasn't even sure of what I was looking at. I called the same friend from the lab and asked her to look at the result for me, and tell me what it meant. Me, who has been an OB nurse for 15 years. She looked at it and started laughing, "you are crazy, you're pregnant girl!". I could not stop crying. So I took a picture of the test strip and sent it to Roy, who replied , "what does that mean?" So I texted back, " we're pregnant". And he replied, "are you sure that is your urine"... hahaha...
So here we are, a year and 3 months later... proud parents of the most adorable, sweetest little girl. She has brought tremendous joy to our family. The pregnancy was even harder. I will blog about it next time. The delivery was a breeze. And now, we have this little bundle of energy. It is a lot different to have another baby after 8 years. And most definitely harder to bounce back when you are 36. But all these, I would not trade for anything.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Blogger Wannabe...
Another annoying night where I toss and turn, but still could not go to sleep. I tried the warm milk, lowering the TV volume ( can't turn it off coz my husband Roy, and my son Riley, who is still sleeping with us, CANNOT sleep with the TV off), even got my mp3 out for some soothing music- but this irritating, dumb thing called INSOMNIA does not let me be.
So I decided to surf the net and came across a good friend's blog page ( is that even what you call it?) . I was intrigued. So I decided, heck! might as well do something productive and try to write down these varied, crazy , some almost-paranoid- thoughts in my head. I keep thinking, this might actually be fun. Think of it as a perfect opportunity to bitch and whine all you like without someone telling you to shut up or suck it up. A perfect place to rant and rave of all the injustices in your world (lol). Best of all, it is the best place to show people like your self- that LIFE is HARD, some days it does SUCK... but then you read all the funny, sometimes mundane stories that people write, and somehow for a few seconds- you forget.... And then remember your own happy, crazy stories. Then you start remembering all the little things that you might have taken for granted. Then remember the most important things that you still and will always have, to keep you right where you are- sometimes struggling but trying... and fighting, to keep those that are special to you.. your sense of self, your family and your friends.
Sure Life IS hard... sometimes it does suck... but hey! how can you appreciate the good times and the good things, if you haven't had the bad?
I think I do like this blogging business.....
So I decided to surf the net and came across a good friend's blog page ( is that even what you call it?) . I was intrigued. So I decided, heck! might as well do something productive and try to write down these varied, crazy , some almost-paranoid- thoughts in my head. I keep thinking, this might actually be fun. Think of it as a perfect opportunity to bitch and whine all you like without someone telling you to shut up or suck it up. A perfect place to rant and rave of all the injustices in your world (lol). Best of all, it is the best place to show people like your self- that LIFE is HARD, some days it does SUCK... but then you read all the funny, sometimes mundane stories that people write, and somehow for a few seconds- you forget.... And then remember your own happy, crazy stories. Then you start remembering all the little things that you might have taken for granted. Then remember the most important things that you still and will always have, to keep you right where you are- sometimes struggling but trying... and fighting, to keep those that are special to you.. your sense of self, your family and your friends.
Sure Life IS hard... sometimes it does suck... but hey! how can you appreciate the good times and the good things, if you haven't had the bad?
I think I do like this blogging business.....
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