Riley

He had my heart the very first time he opened his eyes and looked at mine. My firstborn, my buddy, and my shadow these past few years. When I found out I was pregnant with our second child- I was elated, yet a part of me was sad and anxious. Can I love another child as much as I love my first one? Will he think that I would love him less when his sibling is born? I remember being pregnant and waking up in the middle of the night just feeling almost melancholic. I remember waking up and going to his room, getting  in his bed and just snuggling with him until I fell back to sleep.

My pregnancy was hard. I was on modified bedrest and was unable to work for 5 months. It was hard not to feel guilty. All the things I did with him in school, our weekend dates and just all the mundane things that we have done together- I couldn't do as often as I wanted to.  And then 9 days before I delivered, I was admitted in the hospital, and was put on strict bedrest until my scheduled c-section. I went home 3 days after delivery and I was a mess. The pain from the surgery and the demands of the newborn baby was almost too much to handle. A day after being home, Riley got sick. I remember how it broke my heart when my mom woke me up at 2 in the morning because Riley was crying and was burning up with a fever- and he wanted his momma. It was the hardest and longest week of my life. I felt awful keeping him away from the baby while he was sick. One time he was told not to come in my bedroom, where the baby was, and he poked his head in the door and said, "can I just see her for a little bit and say good night mom?"  So I had him come in the room and sit in the recliner across the bed. When it was time to go, he just looked so sad and asked me, " can I just sleep in this recliner mom? I promise not to cough or sneeze I just want to be with both of you and dad". It took everything to say no. I can't even remember how I made it through that week. I'd feed the baby every 2 hrs, put her to bed then check on Riley and spend as much time I could with him. When it was time to feed the baby,  I'd hop in the shower real quick , so as not to get the baby sick , feed and change the baby then check on Riley again. Don't get me wrong- I had Roy helping and my mom was here for 2 weeks. But I just felt like it was a test, to see if I could take care of my 2 kids the same way- equal time and love given. I claim now that it was hormone-induced stubborness and craziness. I just hated the thought that he was feeling terrible and I wasn't there- I've ALWAYS been there. Roy used to get so frustrated and tell me, " Riley is smart, he will understand". Looking back, I think I misjudged him, my Riley. He is only eight but he has proven more than once that despite our imperfections as parents, we have raised such a sensitive, unselfish and loving little boy. There was  one day he came home from school so excited. He earned enough tickets in school to get a prize and  he brought home a hair clip for his baby sister.

Sure, he has his share of naughtiness. And he does get in trouble once in a while - but he does not lie. Just yesterday I was playing around with him and asked, " Riley, do you think mom is beatiful?" Without pause he tells me, "to me you are mommy". ( Translate as you please .. lol). Not ending it there, I further added, "but I gained so much weight and look really chubby". And he tells, " I like you the way you are, mom". He is very sensitive to other people's feelings. This little guy who can read my mood just by looking at my body language and listening to  the tone of my voice.

Everyday, I thank God for him. And continuously pray for help in guiding us raise him to be smart, caring, God-fearing and HAPPY.

All my worries were for nothing because this little boy has turned into such an awesome big brother and son. Everyday he makes me proud, not because he is perfect. But simply because he is my son. Sometimes he gets frustrated and mad, gets in trouble and makes us mad. But he loves with his whole heart. Everyday I see it, when he tries hard to do what we tell him to. You can see it  in his eyes and hear it in his voice when he takes care of his sister- especially in those moments when he thinks I am not watching.